Hello and welcome to our debut 'Clickweight' article - the only place for cutting edge dubiously researched music journalism.
This series will take you through some of the biggest questions you may have contemplated while sitting on the toilet, a packed train or a strangers sofa at 8 am.
Questions like:
- 'What impact does your Discogs rating have on your sex life? (We actually had to cut this one after Fonz deemed it "too real man.")'
- 'The ultimate brostep first date playlist.'
- 'How to tell someone you like dubstep without saying the word "dubstep" in under 50 words"
Easing you in with something easy this week. What does your preferred dancefloor location say about you?
Views do not represent those of the management (Except maybe Underhill, he's quite salty too.)
Front left:
Congratulations - you're going to go far in life.
Not only do you have a great group of friends, but you have the kind of friends savvy enough to come up with a robust strategy to not lose each other in the rave. Unfortunately, you lack creativity. EVERYONE designates front left as their group meeting ground, which renders the zone ineffective as a dance space. Instead of being a zone for skanking out, the front left becomes a zone of metaphorical emperor penguins trying to find their mate in a swarm of people who look the same and had the same great idea.
Your song suggestion:
Anything with a David Attenborough voiceover on it.
Front right:
Now, the front righter can be cut from one of two cloths:
Cloth A - You're the front lefter who discovered fire. You looked at the strategy and noticed the flaws. You made a simple adjustment, but damn was it effective. Now you not only know where to find your friends. You now have enough space to bump n grind on each other without being interrupted by someone with one hand holding a phone to their head and the other sticking a finger in their ear. Such vision means you would go far in the military. Unfortunately, your predilection for ketamine and vodka shots mean you won't.
Cloth B - You often hear your friends saying "standard [insert your name]". You're never trusted with rave logistics. You were once on time for something, but you went to the wrong place. They told you to meet front left, but you thought they meant the other left. Not to worry though, you've made new friends who seem to have their head screwed on.
Your song suggestions:
Cloth A - State Anthem of the Soviet Union
Cloth B - The 'Curb your Enthusiasm' theme tune.
Front middle:
You won the lottery in life.
Your enthusiasm for life knows no bounds. You could bottle your zest and sell it to jaded dubstep promoters at a good premium. Unfortunately, your eagerness is matched by a love of pills, phone cameras and tune IDs. While you're the heart of the rave, you're also the harbinger of rave Myocardial Infarction. Clouded by euphoria you're sometimes a pain in the ass without noticing.
Commodo hates you.
Your song suggestion:
DJ Hazard and Distorted Minds - Mr Happy (10 hour version)
Back centre:
Well, of course, I know him. He's me. - Obi-Wan Kenobi
Congratulations dear reader, you share a dancefloor preference with your humble narrator! Miserable cunt, aren't ya? You wear the weight of the world on your shoulders and your lust for life is as faded as your logoed Gildan collection. You used to be front centre. Now you prefer to observe from a distance to avoid putting your back out.
Song suggestion:
I don't need to recommend you a song because you already own it on vinyl.
Back right or left:
You're part of the ship.
You didn't start the night as back left or righter. You started your night as one of the fronters. Several hours of poor decisions have led to you becoming rave flotsam, slowly ebbing to the back corners along with the empty cans of Red Stripe as you struggle to maintain consciousness. Fear not, for this is not your final destination. You're probably near the exit now so step outside for a breather.
Song suggestion:
White Noise, Black Screen (10 hours)
Its Back Center with you, for my old ass!